Day N, because I don’t know when day 1 was [en]

I am restless. My mind is restless. I feel stuck out of time, watching the slow-motion train wreck of the epidemic unfold before me. We are in the midst of a global crisis of historic proportion, and I’m not sure how to be, in the middle of it.

Actually, I know what the answer is. Try to live as normally as possible. But I feel like I’ve lost my normal a long time ago, in between going from freelance to government employee, then unemployed, then stuck in the weird limbo of long-term sick leave.

The sun is shining and I’m at the chalet. The cats are healthy. The building in the chalet below is getting on my nerves, because it bangs through the day, and ruins my peace. At least I would want to make the most of the peace of quiet while we are all pretty much locked up.

More than usual, I struggle figuring out what to do with myself. I’m not scared for right now, but I feel a deep dread down inside me, the fear of impeding catastrophe you cannot avert. Our world is going to change in ways we have trouble imagining right now. We are heading into the unknown, or even the unknowable.

I brought my crochet and knitting loom. My wrist is well enough that I can think of such activities again. But they haven’t left the bag. I have books to read, photos to sort. Too many things knocking around in my head that would need to be written down.

I want to be useful. I understand the online world, and with lockdown and confinement, many people who shunned or ignored it are turning towards it. There are things to do, but I’m not quite sure which ones.

And I am torn because trying to be useful is what I always do to escape from dealing with myself and my mortal life, and right now I’m trying to take care of myself first, but this is a crisis, and isn’t a crisis when one is expected to step up?

I’m trying to take things easy. Nothing I do today is going to change the face of the world, except staying at home, and I’m doing that. Thankfully we are allowed to go out here, so I can go for walks. I’m not locked up. I feel guilty for not taking advantage of that when so many others have no choice, and I am privileged to be in such a beautiful region. I’ve stayed in today.

My attempts to disconnect from the news have failed. I don’t know if it’s worth “fighting” or if I should just give in.

Even though it is not very concrete right now, I guess I am scared about people dying. And maybe me.

That fear isn’t on the surface, but I guess it messes with my head.

Also published on Medium.

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