Tag: meaning

It would be nice to have somebody to blame. Or something. Somebody to be angry against, to be the bad guy in my story – even if it had to be me. It’s so much easier to accept bad stuff when there is a reason, an explanation. Somebody made a mistake. Somebody was a bad person. Even, maybe, God’s will. Or, I took a risk and sometimes, when you take a risk, you get hurt. Or I was careless. I should have known better.

I’ve had accidents before in my life. Many. Some trivial, some less so. A driving teacher who didn’t see me and cut me off on my moped – I crashed into the side of her car. A car that stopped in front of me in the slowly moving line right at the moment when I was distracted. A ski jump that I took despite parental interdiction, and without necessary precautions. A lady who rammed my car from the side at a roundabout – she was just coming home from visiting her husband in the hospital. Even somebody who landed on my head at judo – just bad luck of the two of us falling on the same little mat at the same exact time.

I’m generally pretty relaxed about the fact that shit happens. We all make mistakes. We all misjudge at some point or another. Reading an essay on “Moral Luck” by Thomas Nagel when I was a young adult made a lasting impact on me. Consequences are not always in proportion with the mistake or “crime” one makes. I don’t feel the need to bash on people who make them. I make plenty myself. I also don’t believe there are inherently “bad people”. Troubled and dysfunctional people, yes. But not – or very rarely – to the point that they are “essentially bad”.

But yeah, right now I wish I had somebody or something to be angry at, even myself. We’re closing in on three months and I can see I am still far from being in good enough working order to have a life similar to the one I had before. Of course that’s not 100% the goal, because I know – knew before, actually – that I have to slow down. But to have the capacity, the ability, the choice. Really not there yet. I’m not even sure the neurologist will send me back to work on a “therapeutic” programme next month. We’ll see that next week.

This is the tough period: time has gone by, the choc of the accident is behind, normalcy has crept up on everybody, and as it is in this type of situation, lives go on and the immediate support that rallies around one in times of crisis gently fades away. On the surface I’m back to functioning, so much so that I sometimes have to remind/convince people that I’m actually not capable of working yet. And not capable of a bunch of other stuff, but that’s stuff that I see, not outside people.

This is quite clearly the worst accident I’ve had. And ironically, it’s (amongst my significant accidents) the one where the absence of a candidate to the role of the guilty party is the most glaring.

I was skiing, in my comfort zone, without taking any out-of-the-ordinary risks. You’ll tell me, skiing is risky, especially when you ski fast. I hear you. So is driving on the motorway (you know those stats we’re all immune to, how many people die on the road each year), and doing a whole bunch of other things. So of course, if you stay at home and do less things you run less risk of having an accident. But you’re running other health risks, right.

I was just skiing, doing something I’ve done hundreds of times, and I fell. Nobody else was involved. I didn’t do anything crazy. The most probable explanation is that I wasn’t able to absorb a pile of snow my right ski ran over. Why not? No idea, because this kind of thing happens regularly – a bump or pile of snow – and absorbing them is what legs and knees and a good sense of balance are for. But in this case, I lost my balance, right when I was gathering speed for the end of the run, and I fell. Initially, I told myself that maybe my ski had come off before I fell, maybe it hadn’t been set “heavy enough” (the setting is by weight, and when you ski well and fast you want to be sure your ski doesn’t come off “by accident”, and when you’re a beginner you’d rather it detached easier). But honestly, I don’t think so. I haven’t even checked – I could, my skis are in the cellar.

So there we are. A bad accident, with no real satisfying explanation. No bad or silly person, nobody to blame. I don’t even have God handy for that, personally. Just an ordinary day on the slopes, and there we go. It rattles me. It rattles me all the more because serious as the consequences are right now, I’m quite aware that I was actually lucky. I was lucky with my shoulder and thumb. And I was lucky with my brain.

It scares me to be reminded, very concretely, of something that I know and troubles me deeply: people don’t always die for a good reason. Or even a reason.

Sometimes shit just happens.