Passivity [en]

[fr] Quelques cogitations internes, sur la passivité, l'activité, et mon mode de fonctionnement.

Warning: introspective ramble ahead. Written more for me than for you. I’m not asking for solutions.

Inch by inch, I’m figuring myself out. What makes me feel good is Doing Something. The feeling I know so well, mildly depressed, mildly despaired, mildly guilty and somewhat anxious has a name: passivity.

It’s a trap, because I use it as an excuse to do less, when all it takes to get out of it is to Do Something. And also, simply, because it’s a state which makes Doing Something difficult.

Hanging around on the Internet aimlessly chatting and surfing, especially when my hands hurt, is not Doing Something.

I need to remember this.

What I haven’t quite figured out yet is why it’s so much easier when I have company. Is it because what I really need is company, and having it removes the pressure to use passivity to get attention? Is it because when there are two (or more) of you, you tend to Do Things? Put two people together, and they get organised, and schedule things? Is it because when I have company, it’s inevitably goal-oriented?

Might be a mixture of all this. It’ll clear up at some point.